He is the Light

John 8:12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time. I've told some people in person, and it was extremely cathartic and helped me vocalize something happening to me internally. That's why I love counseling so much. By me speaking to someone, who has been trained and knows what he/she is doing, I am able to process my inner hurts and pains. The enemy comes at us in our isolation. The enemy wants us to feel alone, to make us feel like we have to fight our own battles, and that God has left us.

But God hasn't left us. God is not some distant deity who has let creation spiral into its own demise. God is actively involved in our lives and wanting the best for us. In John's Gospel, the Holy Spirit is our comforter and advocate. In John's First Epistle, Jesus is our comforter and advocate. In the Psalm 34, God is said to be near to the brokenhearted.

However, sometimes it doesn't feel like God is here. God might be there, but it doesn't always seem like God is here. God is somewhere, anywhere, and elsewhere. We can look at creation and see the intricacies of nature. We can see God's work all around us.

It's harder to feel God's work inside of us.

I've struggled/battled/whatever other Christian-ese term there is with depression and anxiety for almost four years now. It comes and goes. Counseling has helped a lot in that regard. But there was a time when depression was so strong in my life that I felt hopeless. This whole time that I've been dealing with it, I've been trying to figure out the why. I remember my 6th grade teacher would always tell us, "Ours is not to question why. Ours is but to do or die." So anytime I get in these questioning moods, Mrs. Sawyer's voice repeats.

Why did God allow me to have this feeling emptiness and alone? Why didn't I feel God? Why didn't I see God? Why did God set me up for failure? Why did God do this to me? If God is so loving and powerful, why didn't God just take this cup from me?

Last spring break, I went on a trip to St. Augustine. It was amazing. People were great. Food was great. It was amazing. It was the perfect way for me to finish my senior year. But then this mood came over me. Quite rapidly and stronger than it had in the past. I've had panic attacks before. I've been depressed and anxious before, but this was the worst one that I had ever experienced. It came out of nowhere, and I didn't know what to do except for get out of our condo and go for a drive.

Driving normally helped me clear my head. I could put on a sermon or worship set and have some one-on-one time with God. But this time, I didn't turn on any music. It was just me and my thoughts. Really, it was just me and the enemy. It was nighttime. There weren't any other cars around. I was alone.

That was the closest I had ever been to taking my own life. I had this thought about being empty and alone and abandoned, and I just heard a whisper to run into the next lamp post that I saw. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I only wanted to hurt myself.

I saw the lamp post. I was about to do it, and then I saw this cop car. He had no reason to follow me. I was going the speed limit. I wasn't intoxicated. I was fine. But he followed me for two miles. He flashed his brights on me repeatedly, and I was actually getting pissed off at him for doing this. I pulled into a gas station. He pulled up next to me. I went inside to get water, and when I came out, he was gone. I knew that it was a God thing, and it's really hard for me to put into words. But I felt God. Like really tangibly, personally felt God. I went back to the condo. I was in shock. I was upset at myself for even thinking the way that I had, scared that I was that close to doing it, and amazed that God had sent a messenger my way, even if it was a policeman.

I went inside the condo, grabbed my friend, and we cried for almost two hours. I could have easily just kept this secret inside, that I had wanted to kill myself, but I needed to talk to someone. I needed community. I had felt alone before, but God's light shone in my darkness and brought me back to God's presence.

I haven't had a thought like that since that day, March 6th 2013 thank God. I've had my ups and downs, but that was the lowest I had ever been. I don't want to go back to that, so I constantly have to rely on God to fill me up.

I still don't know why that thought came. I don't know how it happened. I just know that God gave me a light. I'm not going to let the enemy blow it
out.

If you suffer from isolation and emptiness, don't bottle it up. Talk about it. Find a friend. Talk to God. Let God fill you up. You may feel alone, but Jesus is near. Let Him into your darkest places and fill you with peace. Don't do what I did and just ignore the problem until it becomes something extreme. The enemy fills us with doubt. The enemy tries to steal our joy. To rob us. To defeat us. But we are more than conquerers in Christ.