Is it worth it?

I'm sure many Christian people have their ups-and-downs in their "trust" in God. I can't be the only one, right? Like, I am not alone in sometimes thinking about whether or not this is worth it. I mean, I'm in seminary for crying out loud, and some of these classes that I'm taking are just super heady and impersonal and don't do too much in my faith and trust in God. Sure, they're helping me to articulate some of my thoughts and feelings about my relationship with God that will hopefully help in my translating into other contexts...

But some of these classes talk too much for the sake of God. Does that make sense? Some of them try to make too much sense of this grand mystery of God and God's self-revelation to us. That is, these classes do a lot of figuring out things. Trying to figure out the issue of suffering and evil in the world. Trying to have a cohesive, thorough understanding of atonement. Trying to make sense of God. Trying to talk for God. Trying to...

I'm just super worn out with trying to be a voice for God. I'm tired of trying to make sense of everything. So all that is to say that, I'm tired.

And I sometimes get frustrated. I mean, I didn't need to know all this stuff when I was younger, but I still believed in God. Now I "know" more about God, but is my faith any stronger? Was seminary worth it? Did I really need to set aside three years in order for me to faithfully minister to people?

That's a big question.

And I don't think that's a fair question. Yes and no. It is worth it. Because God brought me here. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that my being here is God-given. Anyone that knew me growing up probably never thought that I would go to seminary.

But here I am.

God has brought me here.

Am I falling more in love with Jesus? Am I learning how to foster a healthy relationship with my Lord and Savior? Am I leaving enough space for the Holy Spirit? Am I doing things for God's glory or for my own?

With every paper, quiz, test, precept, and so on, it can easily be a competition between peers to prove one's "vocation." And I sometimes feel like I join in this competition. Not because I want to be faithful to my calling but because I want to impress my colleagues.

And then I immediately realize how little I know. I think, "Maybe God made a mistake in bringing me here. Is it worth it for me to be here?"

In my own strength and capability, I can't do this. I don't belong here. But it's worth it for me to be here because God orchestrated for me to come here.

So, Lord, I surrender everything that I do to you. I know that you are faithful. I know that you are good. I know that you have made a way. I know that you remain. I know that you are God and that I am not. You are wonderful to me. You have brought me here, opened up doors, and I'm just here to serve, Lord. Remind me of your goodness.