My journey

This life I have is not the life that I imagined. 

Not that it's better or worse. 

It's both. 

Because I had all these unrealistic expectations and ideals and romanticized views of how life should be. I never imagined how it could be with you. 

I just thought that I would be able to accomplish it all on my own, but the more I failed and fell, the more I realized how fallen I was.

 I needed a savior. I needed someone to rescue me.

 I didn't know what that would look like.

 I mean I've always known about you and I thought that my knowledge of you was indicative of a relationship with you. 

It wasn't. 

I can read about you. 

I can talk about you. 

I can sing about you.

 But if my heart is not in the right place, it's just useless chatter and that doesn't matter to you. 

You want authenticity and transparency and simplicity.

 No smokes and mirrors. 

No gimmicks. 

You just wanted me. 

I just wasn't sure if I wanted you. 

It took a while. 

I wandered a bit. 

I thought my life was going well but then I fell in a ditch.

 It was fine at first but I couldn't get out. It was never ending and relentless.

 Every time that I thought that things were getting better they went back to the ditch again. 

Oh the wretch that I am. 

I tried to solve the problems on my own.

 I tried to figure out how to fix them but I was creating solutions that all left out you. 

And anything that is not centered on you will sink. 

And I did.

 I sank. 

And sank.

 And sank. 

But you showed me grace.

 You  wiped the mud off my face and you showed me love. 

And that love was so amazing that I can hardly even put into words what I was feeling except that I felt whole. 

I sometimes wish that I could take back all those days of wandering and think about what my life would have been like had I actually surrendered to you long ago but that past is part of my story.

 It brought me here today. 

I can't think about what ifs and whys. 

I can just look to you for my present and future life. I surrender it all to you. 

I choose today to follow you wherever you might lead me. 

Just give me strength for the day. 

I don't need any grand plans for the future so long as your hand guides my journey.