Strength in weakness

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires."

I've probably read, heard, and seen that verse more times than I can count. It's great. But I don't think I really realized the truth in it. The word of God is sharper than a double-edged sword. It exposes our weaknesses. 

I was having dinner with a friend the other night, and I started talking about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I said to him, "They have been a blessing in disguise. For the longest time, I thought that I had it all together. Everything came so easily to me. And the byproduct of that is that I became extremely confident in my abilities to do well. In a sense, I was so sure of myself that I felt that I was the author of my own salvation. I felt as if nothing could go wrong."

Now, I'm sure I've said that before in different ways, but that night, it clicked with me. Anxiety and depression served and functioned as means to make me realize my humanity. That is, they helped me to see that I needed God. 

I've been born and raised in the church, and I have mentioned that at length in other posts. But it became somewhat second nature. My relationship with God. It was kind of a sure-thing. I didn't really have to work hard at it. My relationship God was just part of my DNA. Now, I don't have to point out how problematic that is. Anyone in any type of relationship knows that it requires reciprocity and work. God was there doing His part, but I definitely was not. 

I think I had my first bout of depression my freshman year of college. I probably have had tendencies towards it my whole life (like a predisposition), but I had my first depressive episode shortly after breaking up with a girlfriend. I'm not trying to turn this into a pity-party, but long story short, I was broken. I was deflated. I was hurt. I was...all those synonyms for pain and suffering. 

This started my short stint with negative ways of coping. Any counselor or psychiatrist will tell you that everyone deals with something. The way that we deal with it, though, can be classified with healthy and unhealthy. 

I probably should have exercised more, or picked up a new hobby, or whatever. Instead, I did whatever it took to numb the pain. Mind you, I wasn't going off the deep end, but I coped in ways that were definitely not, um, good. 

I eventually got out of that slump, moved on, and then something else happened that caused me go back into depression. It seemed like this never ending cycle. Something bad would happen. I would get depressed. Depression would cause me to be anxious. I couldn't sleep. I was drinking gallons of coffee a day. And then it hit me.

I needed to invite God into that space.

I needed to let God into my depression and anxiety. 

Instead of looking at the negatives of the situations, I welcomed God into my miry clay to make me whole. 

A lot of us treat our relationship with God as topical or surface-level. I'll go to the store, buy a deep-cleaning face wash, and it'll clean to the bottom of my pores. Lifting crap, dirt, mud, grime, and all that yummy stuff, and cleansing my face. When we invite God into our lives to clean us, we might want it to be just this one thing. 

"God, if you would give me a job that fulfills me, then I will whole-heartedly serve you."

"God, if you would help me in my relationship with my girlfriend, then I'll have time to spend with you." 

"God, if you would relieve me of my anxieties while I take this exam, that would be great."

God is in the business of total transformation. His word is like a double-edged sword that reveals our weaknesses. 

My depression and anxiety are not completely gone, but I'm okay with it. It's like Paul's thorn in his flesh. Or Moses' stutter. If I look at some of the stories within the Bible, I can see that God has a tendency to use weak people. Anxiety and depression can definitely be negatives, but with the help of God, they can be used for greater things. I may never be "healed" from depression. I might be anxious the rest of my life. But I'm inviting God into that space. 

Also, this song below is probably one of my favorites. I don't know if I have used it before, but I don't really care. It came out at one of my really low points (like worse than my teenage heartache). I can always turn to it, and its words, for help and counsel.